The end of 2011 taught me a few things:

• Life is short, and we should NEVER let anyone else decide for us what to do or how we should live. For everyone in bad situations, keep fighting for what you believe in and what you know is right. Don’t let anyone try to dictate how the events of your life should play out. You are the only one in control. NEVER BACK DOWN!!
• Spend some good time with your close friends. One day, things will change, and you won’t get to spend the same amount of time, or even be in the same country or continent with them. You might regret not calling them up more often.
• Don’t bother being disappointed with disappointing people. Obviously they are not worth the effort, the exasperation, and most of all, they are not worth your time. It’s time to move on and only spend time on things and people that are important to you.
• Stop holding on to the ideas of certain people being in your life, especially if they don’t want to be in your life. Don’t be sad about it.
• Learn to be happy. Even in the darkest of times. Keep holding on. There’s only one way out.
• I have to get out of here.

I firmly believe we are all one good heart-to-heart conversation away from having the motivation to get out of the ditch we are in.

The past few months of my life has been nothing more than a pointless series of events. I keep meeting new people and having to say goodbye to them. Saying goodbye to new things, people and routines that brought about extremely positive changes in my life. That has been painful.

I’m unsure about every damn thing and i haven’t had the time to take a step back and evaluate everything that’s going on in my life and try to find out what I’m doing wrong. I know I’m definitely doing something wrong because everything can’t stop fucking up and going wrong. The positive moments are so few and far between, it’s actually kind of scary.

I can’t stop feeling like I’m being used and being treated like shit.

The real thing that’s been getting to me has been believing in things that I really thought were going to work out only to be crazily disappointed and having nowhere to turn to for salvation because there’s nothing anyone can do to help me.

I’m trying my best to get through here, so please don’t judge me or say things to try and hurt me or accuse me of anything. You can’t even begin to understand what I’m going through.

But as usual, things can’t be that bad. I bought a black tourmaline when I was in Australia because the lady at the store told me it would help to keep negative people and energy away from me and I’ve been carrying it on me since I bought it. I’ve found the positive energy I’ve needed from the right people in my life and i hope things stay that way.

I’m really trying here…

I don’t have a lot of answers that people, or even myself, are looking for in this life. And there’s something about seeing your mom crying and upset about things that really throws me off. I wasn’t raised to think of my parents, and especially my mom, as anything other than unbelievably strong and amazing and invincible.

Which puts me in a totally foreign situation of “I have no idea what to say to her right now to help make her feel better.” Help.

Last night I was at Tzehern’s place for an amazing Christmas meal. We stuffed ourselves silly with delicious turkey cooked by his chef-uncle-who-is-a-genius.

Anyway we hadn’t met up in a while but I think it was nice that we keep some traditions like a yearly turkey meal because there’s at least a little bit of consistency somewhere in life. And it’s nice of him and his mom to invite me even though I’m not family (and everyone else there was, haha) just cause my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

So right now I’m sitting in camp while on duty. Super huge waste of time as usual but at least nothing crazy is going on. And it’s raining so the weather rocks! And I got to sleep for like 3 full hours in the afternoon. And the food today isn’t all that bad.

So I had a lot of time to think about things today and while this year has had some good moments, so much of it was bad and I can’t wait for it to be over. This is probably the last bad day of the year (fingers crossed) so I hope the following week goes well. I’m going to spend it swimming in social obligations, meeting up with friends I haven’t seen in months and people who have been asking me to hang out with them but whom I haven’t had the time or energy to meet with. I feel like all I keep doing recently is hang out at my house with Edwin, so I decided to earn some brownie points with my old friends. Hahah

Once the year is over though, I’m going to spend next year a lot more dilligently. I feel like in the past months I’ve been bogged down by the army and things have been pretty inconsistent and shitty. But now that I’m almost half a year into army, I’ve found a nice rhythm and I’m having a bit more freedom where I’m at so I’m gonna put my energy into my work and life outside of army and set some goals for myself so I won’t be wasting the 2 years.

I’ve been feeling pretty lost in the past few weeks cause of numerous emotional things that I can’t really talk about but it’s been getting to me. So I decided that the best thing to help me feel better is to put my energy into my work and what I’m passionate about. I hope next year will be better.

Today was a very retarded day. I was being tested on things that I learnt very briefly, a very long time ago. And I couldn’t really get it right because I couldn’t really bring myself to care. And everyone was standing around, making snide comments and judging me.

It was a really tough day to go through. Nobody would acknowledge my presence until 2pm in the afternoon and then I got sort of blamed for being really freaking slow when nothing that went wrong was really my fault except being disinterested which I’m not sure you can blame me for entirely since I have 0 experience in this.

I just really wanted to go home. And now that I am, I’m still feeling like shit because of today. I’m getting separated from my friends more and more every day and there is nothing that I can do about it but sink deeper into the ocean of disinterest and be left alone.

In case you are wondering what I am “not interested in”: I am in the military.

(Source: )

I just had such a good day! I met my really old friends and we slowly ate Korean-style barbecue for about 4 hours. Then we sat and talked for the longest time. And in the evening, I bought French Vogue and went to meet my other friends for Nando’s Peri-Peri Chicken. And Chingy gave me the copy of W that she bought for me for $1 at a sale. We then went to MUSTAFA, a 24-hour supermarket and bought random junk and weird food (Like microwave caramel apple-flavoured popcorn, for example)! Then I got home and I found that the issue of W (September 2009) that I back-ordered had arrived, along with my Green Day on the cover of Rolling Stones poster and my copy of “1,001 Facts that will scare the shit out of you” by Cary McNeal.

I’m so materialistic, but all these physical things make me so happy. How was your day?